Understanding Self-Esteem and How We Can Develop it.
“Pay attention to your insecurities. They are not there to taunt you, but to show you where you need to heal”. - Dr. Gabor Mate
Self-esteem. We all know the the term, and most of us probably understand that it generally means how we view and feel about ourselves. But, what does it actually mean and how can we develop it?
There are many definitions of the term but we like the following.
Self-esteem is the degree to which I perceive myself as being worthy and competent.
It is having an honest and accurate appreciative opinion of oneself.
According to Dr. Joe Rubino it turns out approximately 85% of the world’s population don’t think of themselves as being very worthy or competent of much. So, if you feel this way, you’re not alone.
Before we dig in further, there’s a couple of points to note. Firstly, there is no quick fix to building self-esteem. It is something that must be nurtured and developed over time just like developing muscle at the gym. A person needs to consciously take action to cultivate feelings of worthiness or competence.
Secondly, self-esteem is generally stable, but it also fluctuates from day to day and from activity to activity. We might have a more developed self-esteem when it comes to driving, playing a piano, or competing at a certain sport, but we might not feel so good and confident about changing a car tyre or doing a public talk.
However, those with increased self-esteem can see the areas that they’re not so good at and still like and enjoy being themselves. They don’t beat themselves up and are not so hard on themselves.
What underdeveloped self-esteem can look like:
Avoidance of trying new things
Strong internal critic
Substance abuse
Entering and remaining in unhappy or abusive relationships
Highly sensitive to criticism
Social difficulties such as withdrawal or isolation
Anxiety
Lots of self-doubt
Nervousness
The main components of self-esteem
Are worthiness and competence.
Feelings of worthiness often stem from our earliest interactions. We looked outwards to those we knew and loved or were important parts of our lives (family, friends, teachers etc) to affirm our worthiness and reflect to us that we are loved and approved of. If we have positive experiences in our early years when our esteem is developing, then we grow and internalise our self-worth and feelings of adequacy. If we have not, then we are more likely to constantly look outwards to others for approval. This is a crippling and exhausting pattern of behaviour because how you feel always depends on others and their feedback of you.
Feeling competent on the other hand often stems from our feelings of worthiness. For example, if I inherently feel that I am a worthy being I am more likely to take chances because I am worthy of the results of doing so. I am more likely to study, travel, to take part in sports and so on. In taking chances, I learn what areas I am great at and not so great at and more importantly what I enjoy and do not enjoy so much. I get to know myself on a deeper level and I value myself as a consequence.
Three pillars of self-esteem
According to Glenn Schiraldi (2016) in his book “The Self-esteem Workbook” self-esteem is built on three essential pillars: unconditional human worth, love, and growth. The author states that though esteem is built on all three, what is most important is the sequence of these components as each one builds upon the other.
1) Unconditional human worth refers to us believing that we are an important and valuable person just because we exist. That our inner most core is unique and precious, and this is unchanging, independent of and unaffected by anything external. It is a belief that we have equal value to any other human being, and though another person may be good at something you are not, you are better at something else than that person and that creates equal worth. Thus, the essence of our being is worthy.
2) Love – Schiraldi states that love is a feeling one experiences; an attitude towards self and others; a skill that is developed over time and a decision and a commitment that is made each, and every day. Each human is created to love and be loved, and every human needs a source of love to affirm they are worthy and accepted. This is sourced from self, parents, significant others and most importantly; unconditional divine love (whether you call it God, the universe, nature, higher self, Allah, Buddha and so forth – we are all referring to a deeper and higher love. A love beyond the ego and the human self). We all need love to affirm our beingness, to heal and to grow.
3) Growth – is becoming even more of what you are at the core. It is developing the inner traits that have always existed inside of you. Just like a seed contains all it needs for its full expression in life, you too also contain everything within. Developing and connecting more with your core being feels so good because it is a constant journey of flourishing. It makes being you more enjoyable.
Furthermore, growth consists of developing your capacities and potentialities, moving towards excellence and elevating humanity.
Suggestions for improving self-esteem
Become aware of and work towards changing self-defeating thoughts.
Focus on what you have not what you do not have – write a list of your positive qualities and ask those who care about you to say what they love the most about you.
Take a chance on opportunities that lead to self-growth – as scary as it might be you could come out the other end feeling great. And if you don’t, you can learn from it.
Watch your inner critic and challenge it – If you find yourself saying to yourself “I’m dumb” “I should have done better” etc, catch it and affirm something else (this is a practice! It will likely take time to get a hang of this) such as “well, I tried and that takes courage” or “maybe I am not good at this now, but I can work at improving and becoming better”. This is practicing self-compassion (a gentleness and warmth towards self)
Practice speaking kindly about yourself and being gentle with yourself – Just as you would with a child or any other being. You deserve kindness as much as anyone.
See your pain and inner turmoil as a messenger not an enemy – Easier said than done, I know. Be compassionate to your pain and befriend it, become curious, ask questions, speak to it – it has something to share. It can show you the pathway to a deeper self-love as it reveals the blockage. Once sat with and felt (this can be difficult – but it does not have to be all done at once) it will move and transcend and you will come to know yourself more, you will begin to relate to yourself differently and speak to yourself differently.
Find time for pleasurable activities – ones that bring joy, relaxation, or feelings of fun. Treat yourself well, do nice things for yourself.
Practice self-assertiveness – Read up on, take a course, watch a YouTube video on it. Practice role playing with a friend. Learn to say no in an affirmative and kind way.
Live in accordance with your values and take action that intentionally meets these and the goals you set in life that reflect your values.
Be kind to yourself.
With love,
Innerflo
References
Schiraldi, G. R. (2016). The self-esteem workbook. ProQuest Ebook Central https://ebookcentral.proquest.com
Plummer, D., & Harper, A. (2014). Helping adolescents and adults to build self-esteem : a photocopiable resource book (Second edition.). Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
